Prepare to have your beliefs shattered because we’re about to reveal a mind-boggling fact: not only can Jesus play rugby, but he excels at it!
Hold on to your scrum caps because here comes the twist – Jesus is a formidable force in rugby sevens!
Can Jesus play rugby?
Tradition has long whispered that “Jesus can’t play rugby,” fueled by an age-old rugby song bearing the same name.
The lyrics present an array of amusing reasons to support this claim: illegal headgear, frequent visits to the blood bin, divine intervention favoring his team, a meager number of friends, and an unfavorable body type with his outstretched arms stuck in the “hookers position”.
But here’s the catch: that song was penned during the reign of rugby fifteens. With the surge in popularity of sevens, we’ve decided to challenge this notion. And boy, does it fall short!
Wondering how Jesus can play rugby and excel in the sevens format? Lace up your cleats and behold the reasons:
1. He’s got enough players.
Jesus and his 12 disciples would form a team of 13: two players short for a traditional rugby match.
However, fear not! In the realm of sevens, thirteen is more than ample. A typical roster boasts seven starters and five finishers, leaving Jesus with a perfectly complete squad.
2. Divine conversions.
In rugby fifteens, there is usually a dedicated kicker who attempts the conversion kick after a try is scored.
But at a typical sevens event, the player who scores often kicks their own conversions.
Jesus already makes his own conversions: water into wine for example. Therefore, his skills align seamlessly with sevens’ conversion kicks.
3. He’s got the perfect technique for poaching restarts.
The crucifixion image of Jesus, with arms outstretched, has often been likened to being “stuck in the hooker position.”
While this might seem like a hindrance in rugby fifteens, the fiercely competitive nature of restart kicks in sevens flips the script.
Jesus’ iconic pose becomes an advantage, ideal for poaching restarts and maintaining possession after scoring a try.
Don’t believe it? Just take a look at the awe-inspiring photo captured during the 2023 Men’s Competitive division championship match.
4. He doesn’t need a new uniform.
Picture a rugby sevens festival, filled to the brim with teams donning extravagant themed costumes, like the “back to the 80s” theme at the 2023 Lakefront 7s.
Fear not, for Jesus and his disciples will blend right in!
With their timeless garb, they effortlessly fit the bill for any sevens tournament with a “toga” theme. Talk about timeless style!
5. He can feed the team all day.
In rugby 15s, a single match is played in less than two hours. Players usually arrive well-fed and ready to play.
In contrast, a typical sevens tournament can last one or two full days and entail 3 to 6 matches.
Thus, staying hydrated and well fed throughout the event is critical to the success of the team and having a great experience.
We all know that Jesus famously fed 4000 people with seven loaves of bread and a few small fish. So feeding one sevens team for a day should be a breeze, even on a limited budget.
6. Jesus welcomes all.
Rugby sevens tournaments often strain even the most prepared teams’ rosters, leaving them in need of fill-ins. In such moments, players who show up without a team step up to the plate and become temporary saviors.
Jesus, known for embracing all, regardless of their past sins, epitomizes this spirit perfectly.
Just like Mary Magdalene, his most notorious follower, who literally embodies the ad-hoc and adventurous nature of joining random teams at rugby tournaments.
7. The game played in heaven.
Dubbed the “game played in heaven,” rugby embodies a fusion of speed, power, and endurance. It’s a sport that seems tailor-made for celestial battles.
If rugby is the game played in heaven, then Jesus surely participates during his divine downtime.
However, one lingering question remains: does the Devil play away matches in heaven?
An updated song?
Given the evidence above, here’s an updated song for rugby sevens.
Leader (1x): “Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz he’s his squad size just right.”
Everyone (2X): “Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz he’s his squad size just right.”
Everyone (1x): “Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus say-ay-aves.”
More Verses:
“Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz he truly welcomes all.”
“Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz he makes his own conversions.”
“Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz he feeds the team all day.”
“Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz his fashion fits right in.”
“Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz his form wins the restart.”
“Jesus can play sevens ‘cuz it’s the sport played in heaven.”
Final (1x): “Jesus we’re only kidding. Jesus we’re only kidding. Jesus we’re only kidding. Jesus saves. Jesus saves. Jesus saves.”
Jesus CAN play rugby, and so can you!
As you can see above, it’s clear that Jesus plays rugby. He’s a sevens specialist who plays hooker, poaches restarts, kicks his own conversions, brings food for the tournament, and will play with absolutely anyone.
And if Jesus can play rugby, so can you! Why not join the Milwaukee Barbarians for your first practice, or enter your team for the next Lakefront 7s!